I have spent hours waiting on an MRI. The nurses woke me up so that I could prepare to go. One AM in the morning was when I was called for, that’s after 17 hours of waiting. I went through the eerie hospital hallways. It seemed that somebody had the its floor waxed with a high gloss shine.

I believe that the MRI is one efficient diagnostic machine, but it’s no pleasure cruise. I have undergone about four MRIs before, but I am not the kind of person who would just act as if the whole diagnostic process was the best thing for me. Claustrophobics, like me, couldn’t wait for the diagnostics to be over. By the time I arrived at the room, they jammed the earplugs in, and slid the tube in.

I have learned a few mind games to get through the thirty minute experience. On my most recent MRI, at an MRI Center, I got to wear headphones and select whatever music I wanted. I took heavy metal, suprising the technician. I guess he thought I would pick Celia and Kapono. (Think Hawaii.) I don’t know why I picked it myself, because I don’t make it a habit. (Although I do still harbor a soft spot for Led Zeppelin on occassion.)

I had a quick realization when they slid me into the tube. What would they do with buffet molesters when they would need a diagnostic test like this? If a certain somebody weighs about two fifty, then I think he needs to take a petroleum jelly shower just to squeeze him into the machine. These ideas were fortified when I returned to my room. Oprah was on a weight loss special.

Yesterday during the afternoon I got a call from my good friend Jeremiah.

He suggested that maybe what I needed was the grande chimicanga plate from his favorite joint just down the street in San Jose. He said if the meds didn’t work I could get a complete colon cleanse for $8.99. I think I’ll save the street medicine as a last resort, but it gave me a pretty good laugh.

And like Jeremiah says, “you need Big Kahuna tools in your arsenal too, because sometimes you don”t want to get your clothes dirty.”

I agree, especially in the condition I’m in now.