Just before I cover how to buy pepper spray, let me say there’s something rumbling below the surface that needs to explode. It’s a sort of like lava, or a white phosphorous grenade, if you’re familiar with ordnance.

It was all outrage yesterday on the television about AIG.

Yeah, the CEO Ed Liddy has a tin ear, but that’s not what I want to talk about here. And I’m not saying AIG executives, who ran the company into the toilet deserve a dime, because they don’t.

The real back stor, is about the mooks who were standing in the well of the House and Senate, demanding the money back from AIG executives, and threatening confiscatory taxes if the demands aren’t met. They were led by the impeccable Chuck (U Farley) Schumer, the senior Senator from New York.

Ole Chucko bristled while his ally John Kerry stared and probably wondered when he could get a bathroom break to rid himself of the previous night’s filet de boofe.

But let me tell you a tiny factoid you probably want to be aware of. The candidates who bagged the most green from AIG are:

1. Christopher Dodd (Now there’s a big sur prise, sur prise, sur prise, as old Gomer used used to say). Wherever there’s corruption, whether in housing or finance, Chris Dodd is standing there…watching the building burn to the ground. But he’s going to help set things straight.

2. Chuck (U Farley) Schumer – And what do you know? The guy harpooning AIG took the second biggest amount of campaign contributions.

3. Barack Obama – That’s right ladies and gentlemen…El Jefe came in third in the campaign money sweepstakes…followed by

4. John McCain – who was followed by…

5. John (Boy) Kerry

6. Joe (Indie) Lieberman

7. Joe (Huh?) Biden

Did Republicans take money too? Of course. But 85% of those who got some AIG cash were in squarely the Dumbo Party.

Strip them of their “earnings”.

They should be fined an amount equal to what they took, and then some.

Boot them right out the front door. No extra pay.

They should be forced to clean bathrooms at Penn Station in New York for the rest of their miserable hypocritical lives. (Or live with Nancy Pelosi.)

Okay, no onto how to buy pepper spray

Let’s say you want it to protect your family, yourself, or even your stupid liberal nephew from Connecticut. Or New York, or Massachusetts.

There are a few things to keep in mind.

1. Your surroundings.

2. The locale.

3. How “intimate” you plan on getting with a mook.

4. What kind of heat you’re looking for.

You should ask:

Am I going to be inside or outside? Is there wind? Is it raining? If I’m inside and use pepper spray what do I do next? When do I strike? Do I hit multiple times? How strong should my pepper spray be?

In my opinion, nothing beats power. Which is why I love Wildfire. It will burn the balls off a bear in moments. But sometimes you might rather have the Mace Pepper Gun, which can shoot up to 25 feet. No, it doesn’t burn like the 10th level of hell, but sometimes you don’t need more than Level I or II. And believe me, it will put down a mook.

All pepper spray is effective. That’s the primary reason you buy pepper spray. It’s a deterrent, and a very good one. My personal feeling is that some deterrents are more effective than others, and they leave a psychological mark on a mook. Wildfire leaves a permanent scar on a mook’s psyche, and he will forever equate whatever his hustle was to severe pain.

The Mace Pepper Gun allows you to take a mook out without you getting too close to him.

But the thing is, to be effective, you have to buy pepper spray, some type, some kind, and keep it with you. It sure as heck is not going to be effective sitting in some warehouse. (I pity the fool…)

So buy pepper spray if you want protection.

And think of the day you get attacked by an unshaved, disgusting mook who bears quite a resemblance to Chris Dodd…(spray spray…Oh hey is that you Senator…spray spray…this must hurt…spray spray…come again…spray spray…did you ever give back that AIG money?)

Yes, we can dream. Somehow just imagining a scenario like that helps.

At least for me.