In The Us Factor Marriage Program, Dr. Melnick talks about a sure way to cause your partner not to trust you. Its called “The Yes…But”, and basically it goes like this: You start out saying something positive, then follow it up with something negative. Here are a couple of examples:

“Dear, I like the way you’ve been handling the finances, but I think it would be better if you paid the credit card bills before you took out money for spending cash”.

Here’s another: “You do such a good job helping the kids with their homework, but it would sure be nice if you didn’t work so much so you could be here every night”.

These are examples of how the second half of a sentence can wipe out the first half. If this gets to be too much of a habit, and you use this style of communicating often, your spouse will eventually start to just hear the negative half, and not even notice the compliment. They’ll feel manipulated, and they are.

Sometimes, one partner feels the need to start a conversation in a positive way if it’s going to be a difficult thing to talk about. They think that’s the way to not let the other person down:

“You’re such a special person, but I really don’t like you anymore”. Not good!

Here’s something to try: If you need to have an uncomfortable discussion with your spouse, prepare the ground first. Ask them when they would be able and willing to sit down and discuss a concern you have. Don’t just spring it on them!

In order to make a relationship work, you need to separate the good from the bad, or they’ll get mixed up. If you like the way your spouse did something, tell them. “I really like how you arranged the living room furniture”. If you don’t like it, then say “I don’t really like the furniture this way. Can we sit down and talk about it?”

Be ready to use good communication techniques – give examples, but make sure you don’t blame them or shame them. Be compassionate and use “I feel” statements, and your conversations will be much smoother. Above all – don’t mix up the positive and negative!